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Thursday, May 25, 2006

Have I Told You How Much I Hate These Guys

(Title of this post respectfully plagiarized from Mike Malloy)

Bush orders documents seized in Capitol Hill search sealed

"This period will provide both parties more time to resolve the issues in a way that ensures that materials relevant to the ongoing criminal investigation are made available to prosecutors in a manner that respects the interests of a coequal branch of government," Bush said.

So all of a sudden Bush is concerned about the separation of powers and wants to make sure all relevant materials are made available? So I can assume that the Justice Department will be getting those NSA security clearances any day now? NOT!

"Let me be clear: Investigating and prosecuting crime is a crucial executive responsibility that I take seriously," he said. "Those who violate the law -- including a member of Congress -- should and will be held to account. This investigation will go forward and justice will be served."

Pardon my French, but HOLY FUCK I hate this man.

I guess you can't violate the law when you consider yourself above the law and nobody will call you on your own law breaking?

Hey Red America, we're still waiting for our apology.
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Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Critical Thinkers

Judge Blocks Prayer at High School Graduation

A student brings suit against his school district to stop a school sanctioned prayer at his graduation and a Federal (activist, no doubt) judge issues a restraining order against the prayer. Do the students learn a valuable lesson in the principle of separation of church and state? Or do they willfully ignore the judge's order and impose their religion upon everyone else at the graduation ceremony? Let's find out.

About 200 seniors stood during the principal's opening remarks and began reciting the Lord's Prayer, prompting a standing ovation from a standing-room only crowd at the Russell County High School gymnasium.

Looks like the students have learned nothing. No respect for the constitution. No respect for the legal system. No respect for those who don't feel they should have to listen to the "Lord's Prayer" just to go through their graduation ceremony. But it can't be all bad, can it? Some good must have come from this brave act of civil disobediance.

The challenge made the graduation even better because it unified the senior class, Chapman said.

"It made the whole senior class come together as one and I think that's the best way to go out," said Chapman, who plans to attend the University of the Cumberlands with her twin sister Megan.

Umm, doesn't she mean "it unified the senior class against the student who brought the lawsuit"? Or maybe they welcomed him with open arms and appreciated his attempt to uphold the separation of church and state and keep the state from imposing religion on its students?

Gabe McNeil said during a rehearsal on Thursday, other students booed the student suspected of filing the challenge when he walked across the stage.

"They've been giving him crap," McNeil said.

Whoops, guess not. But apparently, the rebellious kids have learned something from the experience.

Russell County School Superintendent Scott Pierce called himself a "person of faith" and said he was pleased with the response to the ruling by the senior class.

"This was a good learning process for them as far as how to handle things that come along in life," Pierce said. The response of the students showed an ability to be "critical thinkers."

Critical thinkers ehh? Let's look at some examples of their supposed critical thinking skills, shall we?

"In our little town, we've always had that prayer at commencement," said Brenda Hadley, owner of Anna's Garden [across the street from the graduation ceremony]. "Why not? That's part of our everyday life."

Ah yes, appeal to tradition, surely one of the critical thinker's greatest arguments.

The revival like atmosphere continued when senior Megan Chapman said in her opening remarks that God had guided her since childhood.

"More glory went to God because of something like that than if I had just simply said a prayer like I was supposed to," Chapman said.

And where would the critical thinker be without God to guide her along her journey through life. Everyone knows that the Bible is the critical thinker's, umm, bible.

And finally, some glowing praise from Superintendent Pierce:

"They exhibited what we've tried to accomplish in 12 years of education - they have the ability to make these compelling decisions on their own," Pierce said.

Wow. If this is considered the pinnacle of accomplishment after twelve years of public education, then we are in a world of trouble.
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Thursday, May 11, 2006

Laughter is the Best Medicine

I hate to toot my own horn here, but I have recently started another blog called The Atheist Comedian, in an effort to fight the stereotype of the "angry atheist", one joke at a time. There will be various bits, such as my first post imitating a hacky stand-up comedian throwing out one-liners faster than a retired general can turn against the war. I also plan to do weekly updates on current news topics, similar to what you might find on SNL's Weekend Update or a Leno/Letterman monologue. And of course, there may be just a few religious casualties along the way.

So if you feel like a quick laugh, please stop on by. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, I'd like to thank Rabbi Gellman for inspiring me to start this new blog. You're right Rabbi, it's time to stop being so angry and have a little fun.
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Monday, May 08, 2006

Lies and the Lying Liar Who Tells Them

From the Great Dictator's speech last Thursday morning, marking the National Day of Prayer:

America is a nation of prayer. It's impossible to tell the story of our nation without telling the story of people who pray.

"Freethinkers - A History of American Secularism" by Susan Jacoby. Look into it.

The first pilgrims came to this land with a yearning for freedom. They stepped boldly onto the shores of a new world, and many of them fell to their knees to give thanks.

Thanks for smallpox which wiped out nine-tenths of the Native population. Thanks for the guns and horses which took care of the rest.

At decisive moments in our history and in quiet times around family tables, we are a people humbled and strengthened and blessed by prayer. During the darkest days of the Revolutionary War, the Continental Congress and George Washington -- I call him the first George W. -- urged citizens to pray and to give thanks and to ask for God's protection.

The real George W is spinning in his grave right now. And I can tell you this much about him, he didn't pray to get accepted in the National Guard.

More than two centuries since our first National Day of Prayer and Thanksgiving, we continue to ask for God's guidance in our own lives and in the life our nation.

What is it with this "we" crap? Oh yeah, I forgot, just like your father, you don't consider atheists to be real Americans. That's OK, we don't consider you to be a real president.

Each year, thousands of citizens write letters and send cards to the White House that mention their prayers for this nation and this office.

Big deal. I bet you more kids mail letters to Santa each Christmas. That doesn't make it real.

Prayer is a gift from Almighty God that transforms us, whether we bow our heads in solitude, or offer swift and silent prayers in times of trial. Prayer humbles us by reminding us of our place in creation.

No, science humbles us by giving us a perspective about our place in the Universe. Of course, you have to have half a brain in order to comprehend it.

Prayer strengthens us by reminding us that God loves and cares for each and every soul in His creation. And prayer blesses us by reminding us that there is a divine plan that stands above all human plans.

George, you have a direct line to Jesus, why don't you let us in on his plan? If he's not answering the phone right now, I'm sure Falwell or Dobson or Robertson would be more than happy to help you out.

In the stillness and peace of prayer we surrender our will to God's will, and we learn to serve His eternal purposes. By opening ourselves to God's priorities, our hearts are stirred and we are inspired to action -- to feed the hungry, to reach out to the poor, to bring aid to a widow or to an orphan or to the less fortunate.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't this the opening paragraph in the last tax cut you signed?

On this day, we also remember that we are a people united by our love for freedom, even when we differ in our personal beliefs. In America, we are free to profess any faith we choose, or no faith at all. What brings us together is our shared desire to answer the call to serve something greater than ourselves.

Uh George, I think your speech writers really "screwed the pooch" on this one. You see, atheists don't pray or believe in God, so if there is something that is bringing us ALL together, then it must be non-religious (i.e. greater than God). I'm sure you didn't really mean it, you probably just didn't understand the implications.

From our nation's prayerful beginnings, America has grown and prospered. Through prayer, we humbly recognize our continued dependence on divine providence.

Well, I guess it's better than dependence on cocaine.

I want to thank you all for keeping prayer a part of our national life. May God bless each one of you, and may God continue to bless our nation.

Hey, with your current approval ratings at the lowest in history, maybe he is listening after all?
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Thursday, May 04, 2006

National Day of Prayer

The gospel, as preached by Father George Carlin:

"I've often thought people treat God rather rudely, don't you? Asking trillions and trillions of prayers every day. Asking and pleading and begging for favors. Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a better job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His day off. It's not nice. And it's no way to treat a friend.

But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of different things, you know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall. But most of all, you'd really like to fuck that hot little redhead down at the convenience store. You know, the one with the eyepatch and the clubfoot? Can you pray for that? I think you'd have to. And I say, fine. Pray for anything you want. Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan?

Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? What do you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a Divine Plan. What's the use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and fuck up Your Plan?

And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.

So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun. But, as I said, I don't pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.

For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit. It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat.

So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't. Same as God, 50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit's foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself."
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Wednesday, May 03, 2006

The Power of Prayer

D.C. prayer rally to seek lower gas prices

In a release, the Pray Live group said many people are "overlooking the power of prayer when it comes to resolving this energy crisis."

And of course, their real agenda:

"It is our hope that seeing and hearing some of the nation's most powerful preachers gathered around a gas station and the United States capital as a backdrop, will remind everyone who is really in charge of our world -- God"

Bush: Let’s pray there’s no hurricanes

“The lessons of Katrina are important,” Bush said. “We’ve learned a lot here at the federal level. We’re much more ready this time than we were the last time.”

And of course, our first level of response is:

“Let’s, first of all, pray there’s no hurricanes,” Bush said. “That would be, like, step one.”

Some jokes just write themselves.
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